(buy my book) A HUGE APOLOGY (buy my book)
I may never forgive myself, even if you buy my book (buy my book) (and tell people about my book)
Hello. I sent out Interesting Skull last week with an excellent joke accidentally repeated from the prior issue. It was about DeMontford University’s previous name and was a pun using the word “polygon”.
Appallingly, I’ve done this before, doing two excellent jokes about things being a bit like painting stands, hinging on the made-up word “easelly”. They were a few months apart, at least — this time I just forgot to paste a new excellent joke in.
Nobody’s perfect, of course. If they were, my favourite actors would be called Lucy Flawless and Non-Flawed Van Damme, and they’re not called those names at all! But we all make mistakes. Taylor Swift just did a whole Errors tour. There’s a restaurant called the Angus Mistake House.
But my mistake was clumsy, and careless, and I feel dreadful about it, and think I’ll continue to feel dreadful about it even if you buy my book, tell your local library to buy my book, suggest your child’s school buys my book, put posts on social media urging other people to do all those things about my book and generally behave in a very pro-my-book manner. But it’s probably worth a try.
What book, you say? Why, this one!
There’s No Such Thing As A Silly Question: 213 Weird Questions, Expertly Answered!, written by me, Mike Rampton, illustrated by Guilherme Karsten and published by Nosy Crow in association with the University of Cambridge, is published today. It’s available from Amazon, Bookshop.org, Waterstones, Blackwells and real, actual bookshops.
Hilariously, despite today being the publication date, it’s not in most shops today, and most online orders are — like so many of us — yet to be fulfilled. This is due to some sort of maritime clumsiness, and a boat filled with beautifully-illustrated educational goodness, I don’t know, hitting a big wave or something and slowing down. It made it eventually, and everything should be sent out imminently. I pushed in front of Poseidon, god of the sea at a buffet once and knew it would come back to haunt me.
To make up for the repeated excellent joke, and I guess the nautical delay, here are five more excellent jokes.
1
“I own two large islands, and have been discussing options regarding vehicles crossing the gap from one to the other with the actor Ms Fonda.”
“Bridget?”
“That was my suggestion, but Jane is a fan of car ferries.”
2
“I wear a face covering so nobody can see me drinking fortified wine when I go and watch football in Staffordshire.”
“Port veil?”
“No, Burton Albion is who I watch while wearing my sherry shawl.”
3
“My dog attacked a character iconically portrayed by Jack Nicholson because he keeps pirating films.”
“BitTorrents?”
“No, he clawed The Joker for selling DVDs out of a suitcase.”
4
“My cat's been acting strange ever since we moved near Dagenham.”
“Barking?”
“Well no, it's still a cat, it's just acting strange.”
5
“I saw Jane Torvill in a sports ground just outside Brighton.”
“Withdean?”
“No, she was alone in the AmEx.”
Thank you, and sorry. I will think of my error while I have my special “published a book” experience. What’s that, you ask? And how would it sound if Julie Andrews sang about it? Well…
Pains in my back from my sitting position / Warts that would baffle a leading physician / Eyes that make people not know where to look — That’s what you have when you publish a book.
Arrogance, panic, conflicting emotions / Yearnings to hide in the world’s deepest oceans / Tangled-up feelings you just can’t unhook — That’s what you have when you publish a book.
Low sugar (blood) mixed with high acid (uric) / Half-drafted emails to clinics in Zurich / Urges to eat things no human should cook — That’s what you have when you publish a book.
When I’m scared for / Unprepared for / All of life’s unknowns / I simply remember I’ve published a book / And go and apply… for loans.
Thank you. While you buy my book I’m going to carve a monument commemorating my repeated joke about DeMontfort University so it never happens again. Leicester we forget.