Hello. It is April, and this is the fourth instalment of Interesting Skull, a monthly newsletter by me, Mike Rampton — ten or so varyingly rubbish jokes, some near-ideas and a bit of self-promotion.
1
Why does Irish technology involve two-factor authorisation?
To be sure, to be sure.
2
“I just shared a flapjack with Ms. Mabuse from Strictly.”
“Oti?”
“Yes, of course, it was a flapjack. Motsi liked it.”
3
I’m going to start a business selling lorries to skateboarders. They already spend loads on trucks and Vans.
The other week I finished writing a book, then 24 hours later got an email asking me to write another. The two were unrelated projects with different publishers, and it was just a nice coincidence. The proportion of my income that comes from books is nowhere near the point where “author” could feasibly be the answer to what I do for a living, but hopefully that point is out there somewhere. All I need to do is write a few more books and lose a few more freelance clients. Easy! The second bit, anyway.
I recently signed up for a half-marathon in June. If not for (a) my peanut allergy and (b) Marathon bars being renamed to Snickers in 1990, I could make a very underwhelming joke about that simply not being enough chocolate to wait two months for, but can’t and won’t. I’ve not run a half-marathon in eight years, and finished my last one with bleeding nipples. I’ve only been on one run since signing up, and due to few things in my life ever going sensibly, did so a few minutes after wolfing down what I can best describe as “a jolly big curry”. Oh my giddy aunt. I felt like a washing machine, and also glad I own a washing machine. Luckily I’m so out of shape that I think my body just sort of re-ate everything? I am not a doctor.
4
“I'm building a statue in Hawaii to pay tribute to my favourite female singer from the 1960s.”
“Honour Lulu?”
“No, Oahu is where I am building my statue of Dusty Springfield.”
5
“I'm building another statue of a female singer there as well, on the beach.”
“Sandie Shaw?”
“Yes, that is what a beach is, my statue of Marianne Faithfull will look nice there I reckon, etc etc”
6
“I’m building another statue of a singer in Hawaii, this time one from the ‘70s, Ms. Dee.”
“Waikiki?”
“Because I love her duet with Elton John, Don’t Go Breaking My Heart.”
Three jokes about singers and Hawaii, there, sort of.
I missed a flight the other day (I am writing this in Spain) and managed to write an article about it for the i paper that covered 75% of the cost of booking new tickets. Like, it didn’t really — we lost a day of holiday, got really stressed and upset and so on — but it almost did. I’m quite into that, forcing a silver lining onto a rubbish cloud. I have often badmouthed what I call “What I Did On My Holidays journalism”, but this was different, it was “What I Did That Meant I Couldn’t Go On My Holidays journalism” so therefore better and I am good.
Done some other interesting stuff lately. I wrote about midlife crises and how/why my generation don’t get to have them. (It’s behind a paywall but just about readable on Instagram.) I’ve also looked at some interesting/bonkers historical figures for Cracked — the dead man who won a horse race, the man killed by his own beard, the horniest king ever and more. I also wrote the longest, most in-depth article about the X-Files tie-in album you’re ever likely to read.
7
“I’m having trouble reading this medical journal because I keep getting distracted by this giant boil on my bottom.”
“Lancet?”
“Yes, that is what I should do to the giant boil on my bottom, right after I finish reading this issue of Hepatitis Monthly.”
8
AMERICAN FOLKLORE JOKE:
Paul Bunyan was a simple man. Paul Unyan, however, had many layers.
9
“Hello, I'd like to make a very detailed complaint about this underwhelming planetarium.”
“Okay, here's the complaints form. It's the size of a postage stamp.”
“There's not enough space.”
“That's not a very detailed complaint, is it?”
No, I’m not a fan of that last one either. Not really a joke, more of a short film for the mind. Thanks for reading, if you did. Very few people subscribe to this, and it takes longer than it should, so if there’s anyone you know who you think would like it, please recommend it to them. Tell them I’m good, then tell me I’m good! Tell me I’m good! Tell me I’m good! HAVE A LOVELY MONTH
10
WHAT I AM CURRENTLY READING
The Key To Identifying Precious Stones by Gemma Wareness
How Henry Got Fat by Henrietta Lott
How My Wages Were Affected By My Lateness by Dr Little
There Was Evidence Of Erosion by Clifford Worn
Thanks For Your Letter, I Hate It by Kurt Response